To my loves,
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Occasionally, my brain doesn’t let me rest at night, so my thoughts go to how fast time has gone. Those chubby baby cheeks aren’t as easy to remember now, the bright gleams in your eyes don’t hold that same curiosity, and physically taking care of yourself..with the exception of Jocelynn..has become your own responsibility.
There’s times I’ve been anxious watching this take place; sad, even. I long for having my loves all together, always. There’s other times it’s thrilling, watching how your maturing, and seeing the adventures that await you.
I try being content, with all the things we’ve gotten to experience and learn from each other. How lucky was I?? To get to be with you, for every milestone.
Here’s My Concerns, Loves
My concerns are:
Did my joy show enough, in the times we were together?
Did I accomplish my goal to provide for you?
Have you understood what it means to receive love?
Have you been miserable, with me as your mom?
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My hopes of doing this mothering thing gracefully, haven’t always been the most successful.
My hopes were to be a kind mom – but frustrations won out, a lot of the times. Not always…
Failure would seem to show up, repeatedly, for me.
– Occasionally, I’d get upset my loves, only because I’d worry. I wish I’d have been slower reacting.
– Occasionally, I gave advice and was a stickler for routine, because it was how I was processing things. I wish I’d have sat down and just had a conversation with you.
– Occasionally, I made assumptions, when I didn’t know what else to do, and I’d read everything all wrong.
Occasionally, I was out of line. A real dummy.
And I acknowledge that. I still don’t get it right all the time, but my heart breaks knowing I wasn’t always what you were needing me to be.
Here’s (Some of) What I Did All Wrong…
I was running on fumes, many times..too burnt out to have anything emotionally left to give, once I’d finally be at home with you. Loves, you need to know how sick this makes me feel – it’s the reality of it, though.
I couldn’t give you all the parts you needed from me, because I was trying to dull the anxiety I’d have. Anxiety about working long days, and then coming home to be your mom for what felt like such a short time.
Anxiety about going back to a stressful situation at work. I was trying to grow up too quick, at too young an age, for a long time and you know something? I’ve done this adult gig for a while now, and it’s not all they really crack it up to be!
I’ve dealt with paralyzing fear of something happening to me, or even worse, you! It could get to be pretty overwhelming.
I wish this hadn’t been the case, that way I could’ve just sat with you and be…Be lighthearted, and relaxed. It gets lost on me, to show the joy that I’m feeling from simply just being with you.
That’s a quality I’m really trying to change, for these next years with Jocelynn and Isaac. Showing emotion doesn’t come naturally to me, and I’ve seen the same things in your reactions at times.
I didn’t know the direction my life was going for a while, and I attempted to constantly figure that out. In the end though, I wound up losing time with the loves of my life, in the quest to find the path I needed to be on.
I had my own issues for a long time – heck, don’t we all? I heard words like – anxiety, depression, borderline bipolar, eating disorders – bantered about. NONE having anything to do with you guys, though. You’ve been the greatest gifts of my life.
This Is The Thing…
I can replay every memory we ever made, and find something to feel guilty about in each of them. But I wouldn’t be doing the great parts justice, and I refuse to give those up!
My heart’s filled with such pride at who you’re becoming. SUCH PRIDE!!
You’re the best parts of me. My superheroes!
You’re Team Is Now On the Clock
You’re my favorite team to root for – and I’d rep your jerseys (and draft you on my fantasy league) any day.
Don’t ever stop playing this game of life. I know what you bring to the table. Let your mama know (albeit gently) when I’m falling short. Tell me what’s in your hearts; tell me what you feel you’re lacking. Let me remind you of your greatness.
My Vision as Your Mother
My vision is, that you’ll learn from my mistakes;
My vision is, should you find yourselves searching for some of life’s answers, or you become frightened with the unknown – that you’ll remember not to miss out on the sure things in front of you.
During the quiet conversations I have with God, I frequently ask Him to give you wisdom to accept yourselves – mess-ups and all. God, I wish I’d done this. I ask Him to help you have courage to face things head-on, and not fall victims to life circumstances..just be in the present, forgive yourselves often, forgive others even more often – and never, ever give up!
You’re going to fail! Don’t worry about it too much, though.
It’s a Gift
You’re mama was given a gift at messing up, and I’m still adding on some screw ups every now and then! Because, you know, to prove I’m good at it.
You’re gonna make ’em, too..trust me! It’ll still never change how you sparkle in my eyes. I got the pot of gold, when I was given the four of you – your my “why’s“.
The days go quickly, but every once in a while, you get a small glimpse of hope. Every once in a while, you decide to take a chance.
Then, you grab life by the balls and squeeze. Nothing else matters, nobody else’s opinion counts.
It’s then, when you catch that peek, your eyes begin opening! Right then, you see the people who matter, and really begin to understand them. That’s when you’ll feel some empowerment!
So today, as I’ve still got two of y’all learning how to spread your wings (psst, you never really stop learning), I need you to know how fantastic you all are. I’m constantly awed by you..I look up to you, my darling little inspirations.
You’re my inspirations, to be more than I could’ve ever imagined. Your parents? Well, we’re imperfect and always will be, but we’ve got each other. All of us. As long as we never let that go, we’re “gucci”!
Funny how things end up, isn’t it? I’ve taken multiple medications through the years, and none ever did squat for allowing me to focus. Different doctors, too…But not one of these things has given me clarity, like what I’ve gotten watching you. (God MAY have had a hand, also) Nothing compares to that.
I love you,
Have a Go at It
Do you understand what I go through as a mother? What’s been your experiences? Tell me about it below! And don’t forget to subscribe. Thank you for coming along on my journey! Xoxoxo