Loves of My Life, The Times Your Mom Did Everything Wrong…

Summary…Maybe there’s another mama out there, who questions everything they’ve done; here’s a note to my beautiful children, about the ways I attempted being a good parent, so maybe you’ll identify.

To my loves,


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Occasionally, my brain doesn’t let me rest at night, so my thoughts go to how fast time has gone. Those chubby baby cheeks aren’t as easy to remember now, the bright gleams in your eyes don’t hold that same curiosity, and physically taking care of yourself..with the exception of Jocelynn..has become your own responsibility.

There’s times I’ve been anxious watching this take place; sad, even. I long for having my loves all together, always. There’s other times it’s thrilling, watching how your maturing, and seeing the adventures that await you.

I try being content, with all the things we’ve gotten to experience and learn from each other. How lucky was I?? To get to be with you, for every milestone.

Here’s My Concerns, Loves

My concerns are:
Did my joy show enough, in the times we were together?
Did I accomplish my goal to provide for you?
Have you understood what it means to receive love?
Have you been miserable, with me as your mom?


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My hopes of doing this mothering thing gracefully, haven’t always been the most successful.
My hopes were to be a kind mom – but frustrations won out, a lot of the times. Not always…

Failure would seem to show up, repeatedly, for me.

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Occasionally…

– Occasionally, I’d get upset my loves, only because I’d worry. I wish I’d have been slower reacting.
– Occasionally, I gave advice and was a stickler for routine, because it was how I was processing things. I wish I’d have sat down and just had a conversation with you.
– Occasionally, I made assumptions, when I didn’t know what else to do, and I’d read everything all wrong.


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Occasionally, I was out of line. A real dummy.
And I acknowledge that. I still don’t get it right all the time, but my heart breaks knowing I wasn’t always what you were needing me to be.

Here’s (Some of) What I Did All Wrong…

I was running on fumes, many times..too burnt out to have anything emotionally left to give, once I’d finally be at home with you. Loves, you need to know how sick this makes me feel – it’s the reality of it, though.

I couldn’t give you all the parts you needed from me, because I was trying to dull the anxiety I’d have. Anxiety about working long days, and then coming home to be your mom for what felt like such a short time.
Anxiety about going back to a stressful situation at work. I was trying to grow up too quick, at too young an age, for a long time and you know something? I’ve done this adult gig for a while now, and it’s not all they really crack it up to be!

I’ve dealt with paralyzing fear of something happening to me, or even worse, you! It could get to be pretty overwhelming.

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I wish this hadn’t been the case, that way I could’ve just sat with you and be…Be lighthearted, and relaxed. It gets lost on me, to show the joy that I’m feeling from simply just being with you.

That’s a quality I’m really trying to change, for these next years with Jocelynn and Isaac. Showing emotion doesn’t come naturally to me, and I’ve seen the same things in your reactions at times.

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Which Way?

I didn’t know the direction my life was going for a while, and I attempted to constantly figure that out. In the end though, I wound up losing time with the loves of my life, in the quest to find the path I needed to be on.

I had my own issues for a long time – heck, don’t we all? I heard words like – anxiety, depression, borderline bipolar, eating disorders – bantered about. NONE having anything to do with you guys, though. You’ve been the greatest gifts of my life.

This Is The Thing…

I can replay every memory we ever made, and find something to feel guilty about in each of them. But I wouldn’t be doing the great parts justice, and I refuse to give those up!

My heart’s filled with such pride at who you’re becoming. SUCH PRIDE!!

You’re the best parts of me. My superheroes!

God went over and above, giving me all of you. There’s so much good inside you, and you’ve got such awesome and strong personalities! I love it.

You’re Team Is Now On the Clock

You’re my favorite team to root for – and I’d rep your jerseys (and draft you on my fantasy league) any day.

Don’t ever stop playing this game of life. I know what you bring to the table. Let your mama know (albeit gently) when I’m falling short. Tell me what’s in your hearts; tell me what you feel you’re lacking. Let me remind you of your greatness.

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I’ll never be perfect, y’all, however..I’m going to do my absolute best, to keep our relationships strong. That’s more important to me than you know.

My Vision as Your Mother

My vision is, that you’ll learn from my mistakes;
My vision is, should you find yourselves searching for some of life’s answers, or you become frightened with the unknown – that you’ll remember not to miss out on the sure things in front of you.

During the quiet conversations I have with God, I frequently ask Him to give you wisdom to accept yourselves – mess-ups and all. God, I wish I’d done this. I ask Him to help you have courage to face things head-on, and not fall victims to life circumstances..just be in the present, forgive yourselves often, forgive others even more often – and never, ever give up!

You’re going to fail! Don’t worry about it too much, though.

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It’s a Gift

You’re mama was given a gift at messing up, and I’m still adding on some screw ups every now and then! Because, you know, to prove I’m good at it.

You’re gonna make ’em, too..trust me! It’ll still never change how you sparkle in my eyes. I got the pot of gold, when I was given the four of you – your my “why’s“.

The days go quickly, but every once in a while, you get a small glimpse of hope. Every once in a while, you decide to take a chance.

Then, you grab life by the balls and squeeze. Nothing else matters, nobody else’s opinion counts.

It’s then, when you catch that peek, your eyes begin opening! Right then, you see the people who matter, and really begin to understand them. That’s when you’ll feel some empowerment!

In awe.

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Current Situation

So today, as I’ve still got two of y’all learning how to spread your wings (psst, you never really stop learning), I need you to know how fantastic you all are. I’m constantly awed by you..I look up to you, my darling little inspirations.
You’re my inspirations, to be more than I could’ve ever imagined. Your parents? Well, we’re imperfect and always will be, but we’ve got each other. All of us. As long as we never let that go, we’re “gucci”!

Funny how things end up, isn’t it? I’ve taken multiple medications through the years, and none ever did squat for allowing me to focus. Different doctors, too…But not one of these things has given me clarity, like what I’ve gotten watching you. (God MAY have had a hand, also) Nothing compares to that.

I love you,

Mom

Have a Go at It

Do you understand what I go through as a mother? What’s been your experiences? Tell me about it below! And don’t forget to subscribe. Thank you for coming along on my journey! Xoxoxo

Advice on Taking Your Little Ones to Restaurants

Growing up I loved eating at restaurants, but we didn’t do it very often. When I knew that we were going out, I’d start pre-planning what I wanted to eat, and I’d count down the minutes to getting this vision into my belly. I’m a female, so getting ready was a big, long process and would help with taking my mind off watching the clock. My getting to eat out somewhere was a little bit of a big deal.
The Then and Now of Eating at Restaurants

Cut to the 4 babies I’ve had, with every minute of my life being spoken for and you get a woman who has zero motivation to cook, so I’ve suggested that we eat elsewhere pretty often. After dance/football practice, and games, it became way easier to pick up a quick bite at one of our go-to restaurants. 

I hate drive-thrus, though. I’ve gone on and off diets for years, and knew that nothing good would ever get accomplished by that kind of food to choose from.
My Advice

What I did learn from eating out with my rugrats, who are picky (and pretty damn moody sometimes, too) is: 

You’ve gotta be smart when you pick your restaurants.

Choosing a place with a sandbox, or a playground, is best for everyone.
There’s much more to choose from now – on our fourth child – than there was 21 years ago, on our first. Having bean and cheese tacos or cheeseburgers for the little ones is a must. The go-to for us has been the Leon Springs Las Palapas.
My husband’s kind of obsessed with Mexican food, so he’s in absolute heaven with eating here whenever. There’s a good-sized sand area on the patio, too.

When I draw the line and demand having a burger, it’s the (again) Leon Springs Willie’s Grill and Icehouse. The whole family is typically happy with either: casual, and yummy. 

Make sure they’ve snacked a little bit prior to heading there.

If it’s an event that’s been planned ahead of time, I try to make sure that the youngest has had a piece of fruit or something, to minimize the inevitable whining. Trust me, nobody else eating there wants to deal with this either. “Um Miss, can you ask your daughter to stop licking the picture on the menu, please?” 

Make them wait for their meal along with everyone else.

This is one that took me longer to realize, because I thought I was being smart by getting our Little Pest’s plate on the table, so that she wouldn’t irritate the rest of the establishment while we were waiting.

When I begin to eat my meal though, she’s rushing me to take her to the bathroom and to leave. If her endgame is over, she’s a little more prone to start doing a little “duck duck goose” all around the seats. I’ve got a much better shot with distracting her, if we’re ALL listening to the sounds of our stomach growling together. 

Don’t be so rigid about what activities are allowed.

Normally, the restaurants our family picks to visit are going to have something for the little one to do.
I’m one of those moms that avoids the use of any electronics when we’re sitting together to eat, which is why I normally wouldn’t make this suggestion…However, occasionally, you need to change things up! I wouldn’t make them all engage in conversation while for however long it takes me to whip up their food.

It’s a different story though, if (and we never will be) we’re in some dimly lit restaurant where people are likely having their date night at (to get AWAY from their kids and the sounds that come with them). Use your considerate judgement!

It would probably be the last resort, however it’s one I’m certainly willing to utilize for making it to the end of our time out together. And I’m totally cool with this!

Treat the staff like family (the ones you like).

They’re going to end up cleaning the spills, and making a kajillion runs for our refill requests.
It doesn’t matter if you’re at freaking Chuck E. Cheese’s, they probably still hate having young children seated in their section. Even though I know how precious she can be..believe it or not..they likely think she’s Satan’s spawn. Wait. Wha?? I know. I know, it’s crazy talk.

When my husband and I show our manners,and engaging in conversations with them however, I know it must be a weight off of their shoulders and they usually will go over and above trying to please Miss Thang. So, be chill. 

Words of Wisdom

Maybe my words of wisdom will be of some use to y’all, in making the best of your time out together during this season of life. Hey, if I can get just a minute of peace, I’m in heaven! So, I’m willing to try almost anything.

C’mon folks! Ain’t nothing like an ice cold margarita in these parts of Texas. Because let’s be honest, that’s why we really go out! Right, moms? 

**(UPDATE: I had an issue with my website for a couple of weeks, so I’m resharing this post, as it was one I lost during the maintenance I was doing.)