Mommy Needs Her Meds

Try to look at the things I’m sharing without passing any judgement. Now I realize that not everyone’s able to do that, because it’s just part of living in the world that we do. But try.

Ok, so let me try to navigate through the timeline of how I got to this point of being a mother that pops pills.

Pills Suck

I’ve never had the stomach to easily take pills. Obviously, I’m aware that taking them helps us to feel better, so they’re a must-have, on some occasions. For some people, this isn’t a big deal; which is great, more power to you! I’ve always done everything else possible first, however, before resorting to taking pills. 

In large part, that’s due to overdoing it with them as a teenager – one time in particular; making myself sick from doing so! That’s always stayed with me in regards to thinking about pills.

I’m a migraine sufferer, but with these even, I’ll attempt to “tough it out” for awhile, before taking something. Even though I wouldn’t be able to live comfortably without pills, I still can’t stand them! 

Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Well, she’s a little ungrateful, isn’t she? I mean, especially if pills are providing her the comfort that’s necessary?? Getting nauseous from them or not!” But, when you’re able to continuously replay your stomach churning, over and over again in your mind – simple little things like “they also take me out of pain” doesn’t make a big difference. My brain’s aware that a prescribed medication’s way different than taking a few too many pain relievers, and still my first response is always “suck it up and deal, buttercup”. 

Becoming A Mother…Again 

When I left my full-time job that I’d been in for many years, obviously more time became available to me. And its been difficult, financially, for my adjusting to what comes with big career moves, like this one. 

Everything in me knew that I needed to be available for our youngest girl, as well as for the older kids.

You see, I’d never had that desire or need to be home, when the others were babies, even though I cherished being their mom just as much (and I think I was a pretty good one), it was just a different season of my life. The thought of not being able to do much else, except be home with the kids, caused me to become extremely panicked.

My anxiety existed as I decided to proceed with leaving my job, as well. Like I said, I’d been doing it for close to 5 years, was receiving a great income, and had fantastic benefits, too. So really, you could say that my anxiety had actually increased, in some aspects. 

I’d been yearning to be home with our baby, even while she was still growing in my tummy. I cried many tears when I had to leave her, and return back to work after my maternity leave had ended. When I finally left, there was a loud voice inside me, assuring me I was doing the right thing. I felt as if my life was requiring me to have a bigger presence in my home. Oddly enough, I can’t even say I had any questions about how it would go, whatsoever.

In the beginning, I felt a little giddy, but not enough to be disillusioned. I knew that the expectation was for me to immediately get to the drawing board and figure out how to earn some income and contribute. It was through these expectations, that made many of my days seem to be extremely long. Saying that I had some regrets is probably the response most people think I’ll say, but I never have felt this way. Not on this decision, anyway. But because my decision wasn’t the popular one (I was always made aware of that), my anxiety began increasing.

It seemed that I had virtually no support at this point, and showing my anxiety would’ve been one more “reason” for telling me how wrong my decisions were, so I stuffed it.

I was in emotional turmoil inside, but I knew (read: absolutely no questions) I was exactly where I needed to be. Like most mothers, I love my kids more than life, and I’d do anything and everything to ensure their happiness. When all of this took place though, I felt like I was failing them. I wasn’t willing to give up the days I had with them to be at work, providing for the roof over their heads. The fact that I don’t believe the latter is more important, didn’t stop me from questioning myself, because I was clearly expected to be so much more.

Being completely transparent here, I’ve never been the mom who’s amazingly creative, or even very imaginative. Playing with my kids on a regular basis, isn’t what completes me. Actually, quite the opposite; it usually rattles my nerves.

And I’m not always selfless; I can be considerably selfish, at times. Look, I barely make it through these 30 minute shows that the kids watch (actually, less than that when you’re factoring out commercials).

I’ve got a very busy mind..too busy, usually. It goes over all the tons of stuff I’ve got to get done every day. “Don’t we all?” True. Not all of us hold our breaths until being able to achieving them, though. 

Let’s go back a little more: The discovery of my last pregnancy caused a major whirlwind to my life. Different than it had with the other kids. It was as if I began slowly reconstructing every part of myself, giving a full makeover, if you will.

My mom and I had some hiccups in our relationship at the time of this big career move; my dad was busy, as were we, and we’d rarely see him. Every relationship in my world, with the exception of my family in the house, felt as though they’d vanished, in a very short amount of time. 

Then the self-talk came in…”Perhaps, I’m just meant to do life this way. With no one.” I felt like my kids were just stuck with me – nothing at all like what they deserved. Not at all.

Anxiety, sadness, and just feeling pretty worthless all around – these were my frequent state of emotions. The goal was for my kids to have the mother they deserved – except, my mind was on overload from the amount of expectations weighing on me: from myself, my husband, family.

A large part of the emotional turmoil came from being so stressed out about all the reminders how I needed to find something, and fast, but also knowing that I needed to remain the caregiver available for my kids. I felt like I lacked an identity: no career; can’t completely focus on being a mother. What do I do? I didn’t know. I’d lost who I was in trying to be everything I was needed to be, and supposed to be.

The stress started proving to be much more than I could handle, eventually landing me in the E.R. I was going full-force as mom, keeping up the home, and all the while, wracking my brain to try to figure out how I could do everything that I needed to. 

Who I Was

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Throughout my life, I’d dealt with seasons of depression and self-loathing. My resistance to taking pills played a large role in the decisions I made to discontinue different prescriptions I’d been on at various times. 

I learned that having a busy life was how I functioned the best. The feeling of satisfaction existed, as long as I had something to focus my mind on: work, games, movies, books. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be doing two or three of these at once. My husband would look at me, a little bewildered, because of how I’d say that I wanted to watch a movie, while grabbing the laptop, maybe even a book, to prepare to starting whatever we were going to watch.

Hell, even my prior place job, I’d work with a book open – you know, in case that person I was speaking to moved at a much slower pace than I cared for. I called it multitasking. It actually astonished me when others would get “stressed out” by their attempts to complete one task. Why. Are. You. Being. So still?! My nails would cease to exist if I attempted that.

Parenting: Who I Want To Be

All of a sudden, we had a small child in the house again. One that was picking up on our every move. 

I teach her, through my actions, and how I respond to things. 

All of a sudden, we’ve got a small child again, that’ll one day be a bigger child. Then an adult. Maybe she’d become rigid, and set in her ways, similar to her mother.

Growing up, my own mother exuded a lot of these characteristics of mine, too. Which makes me think, when I glance at my diva, whether these characteristics will also someday be in her.

Then I wonder: Should these traits pass down to her, even just a little, will I be okay with that? 

Is it ok to be teaching this little girl about impatience, rigidity, wanting to change things frequently – because repetition’s like nails on a chalkboard? Stressing out because maybe she changes her mind about something, but not wanting to quit what was initially started?

Is it ok if she constantly feel like her brain’s pounding, from too much running through it? Is it ok if she has a strong need to be doing something, because if not, her frustration may burst? What about if she chooses not to participate in things, because there’s so much more to finish on her to-do list? Is that ok?

My hope is..this little girl’s not like her mama. I hope that she’s able to live with the feeling of peace! Should she be like me though, my behavior surely needed some adjusting. Passing down bad habits needed to be stopped, so that she could change whatever she’d already started to pick up, before growing any further. 

My goals for myself ought to be ones that I’d be thrilled that she, too, might have. My desire was for the ability to completely focus on the time we spent together – and enjoy it! For giving my kids a parent I felt like they deserved. 

The Solution

Well then, an appointment was needed. After a discussion with the doc about what was going on, the pills started popping – against my initial judgments. My anxiety occasionally starts shooting up still about taking it. Actually, my fears. 

When I used to take meds for my depression, it tapped into some unhealthy behaviors – withdrawn, on edge, obsessive. Which is why the anxiety pops up. To remind me I can spiral at any given time, which these current pills certainly have the ability to do.

The anxiety definitely still exists! However, with the meds, I’ve got hope. 

It’s going on about a year and a half that I’ve been taking them, so obviously I’m seeing more positive than negative by continuing to do so. Though I have to say – I’m always aware of how I’m feeling and behaving.

It’s been a major difference maker in regular day-to-day living. You don’t realize how agonizing the days prior to taking medication were to you, until being able to look back with a fresher perspective. 

Who I Am Today

My youngest daughter just received a very large doll house, which I’ve sat playing with her for hours a couple different times – leaving both my iPad and phone in the other room. No coffee or Red Bull with me, giving the perceived source of energy to get through it. It’s all about the time of being a great mother to one of the gifts God has provided for me to care for. After a while of Barbie play one of those times, we then went and sat down next to each other on the couch. And while I handled some work, she watched her favorite emergency vehicle videos on YouTube. My nerves weren’t shot. We were together, mostly engaged, and having a fun afternoon just being with one another.  

My brain had been working on overdrive for quite a while, and then, it calmed down a bit. When she crashes out after a busy day, I plant a kiss on that sweet girl’s cheek, say goodnight and feel satisfied. Before, my head might have started swimming with guilt from all the ways I’d failed as a mother that day, or how I could have done better. Stressing about it all, and causing me to feel as though I might be having a heart attack. My poor body must have been so exhausted. How did I do it three times before?! 

This mind’s not constantly frantic anymore, trying to figure out how or where I messed up. (I mean…Who actually searches their memory for that kind of stuff?? A glutton for punishment, that’s who!) Cuz we’re always going to make mistakes. 

Some days were almost physically painful. Right now though, there’s no desires within, to be anywhere else in the world. There’s really no way to explain the way I feel about my life presently, except that it’s mostly pretty fantastic. My outlook’s more peaceful, and calm. Maybe I’d be ok with my kids being just a little bit like me?

Introvert, Anybody?

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Introvert Definition, via Google Search: in·tro·vert
noun: introvert; plural noun: introverts
a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.

Part of why I’ve always loved writing is because it’s how I best express myself. In person, I’ve been described as: “surly”, “fierce”, “aggressive”. I’ve also learned to not necessarily take those as bad qualities. IF I’m aware of and monitoring the behaviors!

***This post contains affiliate links and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.

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Questions I Mostly Don’t Have the Answer For

Why add blogging to my agenda? Especially a moms blog? What else is really left to say on the subject? Am I only going to write on this topic? Shouldn’t I be focused on more pressing things in my life? Will it hurt my career to be so open about past issues that I’ve overcome on my blog? Do I think my faith will limit my viewers on the blog? What’s my biggest inspiration in writing? 

All great questions! And they’ve either been ones I’ve been asked, or they’re ones that I’ve asked myself. (I haven’t got a definitive answer for most of them, BTW!)

So, not going to speak for anyone else, but discipline is one of MY least favorite words. The concept of restricting myself? It doesn’t go hand-in-hand with the world which we live in; society walks with this outlook of “having it all”, “you can have as much as you want”, “to your hearts little desire”. 

What’s the point of being rigid and “disciplined” anyway? Let’s take cleaning my house for an example! Not at the top of my priority list. (Unless I’m pissed off. For some reason, I clean like a maniac then!)

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If people love me, they should want to be around ME..the state of my house doesn’t need be their concern. Right? Don’t get me wrong, it’s kept well enough. I just don’t fit in the time for DETAILED cleaning very often! I mean, I’M physically clean (my hair can ONLY go a max. of 3 days unwashed ;)) and my kids have always been taught good hygiene habits. (If you’re cleaning obsessed, you MAY have already checked out. Don’t worry! I don’t have people over a lot, anyways – that’d require more dishes in the sink, plus – hello! Introvert. Just kidding on the dishes. Kinda. BTW, if it’s a rare day of getting a good workout in, I WILL shower..within 24 hours, definitely! I also try and show discipline by making healthy meals for the fam, at a minimum of once a week, OR I’ll at least suggest they order healthy from the fast food joint I’ll be picking up from on my way home! Again..(kinda) kidding. So, there’s lots of good intentions going on here – just not always FORCING these issue.) 

A couple of family members have asked me once or twice when I’m going to be doing a new post, which is so sweet of them to even notice, first off. So, how it manages to feel a bit suffocating, too? I’m not really sure! I guess, because then I have it in my head, I’d better get to doing it pretty soon. And I’ll attempt fitting this in to an already overwhelming agenda. 

Except…why? There’s no reason for me to “get to doing it soon”. I enjoy blogging mostly because of that single fact right there. 

The rules are whatever I decide to make them. Whatever I decide.

Obviously, what I hope for, is that people who do end up reading my words, will get something from it. And when they subscribe to the blog? Wanting to follow along with me is such an amazing compliment! So, thank you. Truly. The interactions have been fantastic! That’s coming from a self-professed introverted woman! 

Lately, however, my worlds become a bit inundated with things with a deadline. During this, I’ve had to work with myself into establishing better self-control – specifically in highly stressful scenarios. 

This isn’t something I’ll normally write much about, though the topic is one that probably needs be discussed more often: Self-control. It keeps me grounded. I’ve not always been in-tune with how to express kindness..and love to people. It’s not something that comes naturally to me – at least, as I’ve known. Primarily: the soft expressions. I DO behave kindly (loving might be strong) in the actions of helping people; just by looking at me, though, your first thought wouldn’t likely be “loving” or “kind”. My dad likes to refer to this as “surly”. 

Self-control helps me in making decisions about what needs to removed from my life; it also holds me back from going completely ham on some negative and grumpy individuals. I’m not as prone to “flip the bitch switch” when I’m working on the quality of self-control in my life. 

The power of God is able to make a shining appearance into the world – through me – while I’m practicing self-control. Let me just say..I absolutely DO still think of myself as rough-around-the-edges. THAT’S what comes more natural for me.

The art of staying grounded requires much attention, and it’s something I’ve had to keep plugging away at. It’s where my thinking ahead skills work to my favor; allowing me to prepare with how I’m most probable to handle any potential events that are coming. 

Anyways, April’s always one of our busy months. We’ve usually got a few gatherings planned with the multiple birthdays in our family; my head has to be in the right mindset, in order to stay present with the celebrating. It’s not difficult for me to check out right smack in the middle of having company (and it seems to be more prevalent since the birth of our youngest daughter, which was almost 6 years ago). 

My body literally gets physically exhausted by longer than usual social happenings. be clear, this is only on a personal level. For some reason – maybe, lack of emotional ties? – I thrive with clients in my work. Making myself withstand a few hours of personal socializing, however, usually costs me: mental shutdowns afterward, immediate overanalyzing how I handled certain things (could I have talked to more people, did I unintentionally make anyone feel left out, etc.). I’m well-aware that I’ll require some peaceful moments when everything wraps up, a recovery hour if you will. 

So, to now add blogging into the mix, I find myself running (and re-running) these constant questions through my head. I borderline obsess on it, which ultimately ends up leaving me with a block. By attempting to box myself in with a set of guidelines and rules for writing, my mind goes blank and I end up not writing at all.

The first quarter has also rolled to its end, which is normally when I’ll feel as though I’m drowning a bit: financial stressors (tax time, bonuses being over for awhile on my husbands side of things, etc). The pressure on me to bring in income gets overwhelming. Plus, having all of the kids normal stuff: homework, spring ball, orchestra. Then, you add in all the medical calls with checkups that are coming due for the household (my older girls’ aren’t living at home anymore, so that’s two less I manage), and finally, my obligation to check-in, at least occasionally, on other family members – primarily, my parents – making sure I’m not neglecting them TOO much. I can admit, it’s not my strong-suit!

All the things that I’ve mentioned above, on top of keeping up with day-to-day family life (laundry, groceries, pets, playing with the little one, spending enough time with the others), I end up reaching the point of wanting to flip off self-control, and just say “screw it” to everything. I probably have once or twice.

With the very off-chance that I have any downtime, a lack of drive to do anything kicks into high-gear..”absolutely anything” meaning: blogging, texting, Bible reading, talking..ANYTHING period. Sometimes, I want to just do a word puzzle to get my brain functioning at minimum capacity, or do market research on listings, and neighborhoods my buyers are interested in. Something about doing things which require me to use analytics, it just jives with me (key word = THINGS, not people). How I’m wired, I guess.