To my loves,
Occasionally when my brain doesn’t have the decency to let me get my rest in the evenings my thoughts go to the past. How did it go so fast? Those chubby cheeks aren’t that easy to remember these days. The bright shiny eyes you’d get don’t have the curiosity that they once did and your taking care of yourself physically, with the exception of the littlest one, has become your responsibility now.
There’s some times my loves, when I’ve gotten quite a bit of anxiety and sadness as all these changes take place. I just have a longing, for all of us to be together! There’s been other times though, when I get thrilled to watch how you’re maturing, and see the adventures in your futures.
This post has affiliate links in it, and I’ll receive a compensation if you click on one then make a purchase.
I try to be content with the things we’ve been able to experience together, and the things we’ve learned from each other. How did I get so lucky?? To be with the greatest loves in the world, for all the milestones in your life?
Here’s My Concerns, Loves
My concerns are:
Did you see my joy enough in all the moments we had?
Was I able to successfully accomplish my goals to be a good provider for you?
Have you understood what love is, by how I was showing it to you?
Were you absolutely miserable with my mothering?
Women’s Kansas City Chiefs Eric Berry Nike Red Limited Jersey
from: KC Chiefs Pro Shop
My hopes of being a gracious mother, they’ve been unsuccessful at times.
I had hopes that I’d be a good, kind mom but my frustrations have won out a few times. Not always though.
Failure to do these things for you, seemed to be a repeating factor for me.
Occasionally I’d be upset, my loves even though I’d just be worried. I wish I’d been a little slower in reacting to things.
I occasionally have given too much “advice”, and also was a stickler about our routines because of how I process things. But I wish I’d have sat down, and just had a conversation with an open mind.
Occasionally I’ve had quick assumptions when I didn’t know what else I could do and I’d end up reading it all wrong.
I was out of line occasionally, too. A real dummy!
But I can acknowledge it now. I don’t get things right all the time, and my heart breaks knowing that I couldn’t always really be a good mother in the way you were needing.
(Some of) What I Did All Wrong…
I’d usually be just running on fumes, and I’d get burnt out then not have too much left for me to be able to emotionally give you, after you got your mom at home with you finally. Loves, you need to know how terribly sick this has made me feel. It’s the reality of it, unfortunately.
I didn’t give all you were needing to have, because I was just trying to figure out how to handle all the anxiety I’d have. Anxiety from working long days and I’d come to be an actual mom to you, for a little while, but I could only do so much. Then I’d be anxious about going back to a stressful situation at work.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I had attempted to be a grown-up way too quickly at a very young age. I did that for a real long time, and you know something? Here I’ve been, doing this adult thing for a little while now, but it’s not at all the way they crack it up to be!
I’ve dealt with paralyzing fear that something might happen to me or even you! It was pretty overwhelming, too.
I wish I’d have just sat with you, and just been…Been lighthearted, been relaxed, and to have shown the true joy it was by simply being with you.
It’s a quality I’m trying to change about myself, for these years I have left with the younger two. Showing my emotions, it doesn’t come naturally for me. I’ve seen the same things from your reactions to things at times.
Everything was up in the air with the way my life was going for a little while, and I had attempted at constantly trying to figure it out. In the end, I wound up losing out on the time I was given with the loves of my life, in my quest to find my path.
I had my own issues for a long time – heck, don’t we all? Hearing words like – anxiety, depression, borderline bipolar, eating disorders – bantered about. NONE having anything to do with you guys, though. You’ve been the greatest gifts of my life.
This Is The Thing…
I can replay every memory we ever made, and find something to feel guilty about in each of them. But I wouldn’t be doing the great parts justice, and I refuse to give those up!
My heart’s filled with such pride at who you’re becoming. SUCH PRIDE!!
You’re the best parts of me. My superheroes!
God went over and above, giving me all of you. There’s so much good inside you, and you’ve got such awesome and strong personalities! I love it.
You’re Team Is Now On the Clock
My favorite team to root for is you guys – and I’d rep your jerseys (and draft you on my fantasy league) any day.
Don’t ever stop playing this game of life. I know what you bring to the table. Let your mama know (albeit gently) when I’m falling short. Tell me what’s in your hearts; tell me what you feel you’re lacking. Let me remind you of your greatness.
I’ll never be perfect, y’all, however I’m going to do my absolute best to keep our relationships strong. That’s more important to me than you know.
My vision is, that you’ll learn from my mistakes;
And my vision is, that should you find yourselves wanting to search for life’s answers. Or if you become frightened with the unknown – you’ll remember not to miss out on the sure things right in front of you.
During my quiet conversations with God, I frequently ask Him to give you wisdom to accept yourselves – mess-ups and all. God, how I wish I’d done this. I ask Him to help you have courage to face things head-on, and not fall victims to life circumstances. Just be in the present, forgive yourselves often, forgive others even more often – and never, ever give up!
You’re going to fail! Don’t worry about it too much, though.
It’s a Gift
You’re mama was given a gift at messing up, and I’m still adding on some screw ups, every now and then! Because, you know, I have to prove I’m good at it.
You’re gonna make ’em, too..trust me! It’ll still never change how you sparkle in my eyes. I got the pot of gold, when I was given the four of you – your my “why’s“.
The days will go quickly, but every once in a while, you get small glimpses of hope. Every once in a while, you’ll decide to take a chance.
Then, you grab life by the balls and squeeze. Nothing else matters, nobody else’s opinion counts.
It’s then – when you get a little peek – when your eyes begin to open! Right then..you see the people who matter, and then really begin to understand them. That’s when you’ll feel empowerment!
So today, as I’ve still got two of y’all learning to spread your wings (psst, you never really stop learning), I need you to know how fantastic you are. And I’m constantly in awe of you; I look up to you, my darling little inspirations.
You’re my inspiration to be more than I could’ve ever imagined. As for what me and your dad are? Well, we’re simply imperfect and it’s always going to be a fact, but we’ve got each other. All of us. As long as we never let that go, we’re “gucci”!
Funny how things end up, isn’t it? I’ve taken multiple medications through the years, and none ever did squat for allowing me to focus. Different doctors, too. But not one of these things has given me clarity, like what I’ve gotten watching you. (God MAY have had a hand, also) Nothing compares to that.
I love you,
Have a Go at It
Do any of you parents understand these thoughts I have as a mother? What’s been your experience? Tell me about it! And please don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for coming along on my journey! Xoxoxo