To my loves,
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Occasionally when my brain doesn’t have the decency to let me get my rest in the evenings my thoughts go to the past. How did it go so fast? Those chubby cheeks aren’t that easy to remember these days. The bright shiny eyes you’d get don’t have the curiosity that they once did and your taking care of yourself physically, with the exception of the littlest one, has become your responsibility now.
There’s some times when I’ve gotten a lot of anxiety and sad, even – as all of these changes were taking place. I have a longing for all of my loves to be always together. There’s other times I’ve been thrilled to watch the way you’re maturing and as I see your adventures in the future that’s awaiting you.
I try to be content with the things that we’ve gotten to experience together and how we’ve learned from each other. How did I get so lucky?? To be with the best kids in the world, for every milestone in your lives.
Here’s My Concerns, Loves
My concerns are:
Did you see my joy enough in all the times we had together?
Was I able to successfully accomplish my goals to be a good provider for you?
Have you understood what love is, by how I was showing it to you?
Were you absolutely miserable with my mothering?
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My hopes of being a gracious mother, they’ve been unsuccessful at times.
I had hopes that I’d be a good, kind mom but my frustrations have won out a few times. Not always though.
Failure to do these things for you, seemed to be a repeating factor for me.
Occasionally I’d be upset, my loves even though I’d just be worried. I wish I’d been a little slower in reacting to things.
I occasionally have given too much “advice”, and also was a stickler about our routines because of how I process things. But I wish I’d have sat down, and just had a conversation with an open mind.
Occasionally I’ve had quick assumptions when I didn’t know what else I could do and I’d end up reading it all wrong.
I was out of line occasionally, too. A real dummy!
But I can acknowledge it now. I don’t get things right all the time, and my heart breaks knowing that I couldn’t always really be a good mother in the way you were needing.
Here’s (Some of) What I Did All Wrong…
I’d usually be just running on fumes, and I’d get burnt out then not have too much left for me to be able to emotionally give you, after you got your mom at home with you finally. Loves, you need to know how terribly sick this has made me feel. It’s the reality of it, unfortunately.
I didn’t give all you were needing to have, because I was just trying to figure out how to handle all the anxiety I’d have. Anxiety from working long days and I’d come to be an actual mom to you, for a little while, but I could only do so much. Then I’d be anxious about going back to a stressful situation at work.
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I had attempted to be a grown-up way too quickly at a very young age. I did that for a real long time, and you know something? Here I’ve been, doing this adult thing for a little while now, but it’s not at all the way they crack it up to be!
I’ve dealt with paralyzing fear that something might happen to me or even you! It was pretty overwhelming, too.
I wish I’d have just sat with you, and just been…Been lighthearted, been relaxed, and to have shown the true joy it was by simply being with you.
It’s a quality I’m trying to change about myself, for these years I have left with the younger two. Showing my emotions, it doesn’t come naturally for me. I’ve seen the same things from your reactions to things at times.
Everything was up in the air with the way my life was going for a little while, and I had attempted at constantly trying to figure it out. In the end, I wound up losing out on the time I was given with the loves of my life, in my quest to find my path.
I had my own issues for a long time – heck, don’t we all? Hearing words like – anxiety, depression, borderline bipolar, eating disorders – bantered about. NONE having anything to do with you guys, though. You’ve been the greatest gifts of my life.
This Is The Thing…
I can replay every memory we ever made, and find something to feel guilty about in each of them. But I wouldn’t be doing the great parts justice, and I refuse to give those up!
My heart’s filled with such pride at who you’re becoming. SUCH PRIDE!!
You’re the best parts of me. My superheroes!
You’re Team Is Now On the Clock
My favorite team to root for is you guys – and I’d rep your jerseys (and draft you on my fantasy league) any day.
Don’t ever stop playing this game of life. I know what you bring to the table. Let your mama know (albeit gently) when I’m falling short. Tell me what’s in your hearts; tell me what you feel you’re lacking. Let me remind you of your greatness.
My Vision as Your Mother
My vision is, you’ll learn from my mistakes;
And my vision is, should you find yourselves searching for life’s answers, or you become frightened with the unknown – that you’ll remember not to miss out on the sure things in front of you.
During the quiet conversations I have with God, I frequently ask Him to give you wisdom to accept yourselves – mess-ups and all. God, how I wish I’d done this. I ask Him to help you have courage to face things head-on, and not fall victims to life circumstances. Just be in the present, forgive yourselves often, forgive others even more often – and never, ever give up!
You’re going to fail! Don’t worry about it too much, though.
It’s a Gift
You’re mama was given a gift at messing up, and I’m still adding on some screw ups every now and then! Because, you know, to prove I’m good at it.
You’re gonna make ’em, too..trust me! It’ll still never change how you sparkle in my eyes. I got the pot of gold, when I was given the four of you – your my “why’s“.
The days go quickly, but every once in a while, you get a small glimpse of hope. Every once in a while, you decide to take a chance.
Then, you grab life by the balls and squeeze. Nothing else matters, nobody else’s opinion counts.
It’s then, when you catch that peek, your eyes begin opening! Right then, you see the people who matter, and really begin to understand them. That’s when you’ll feel some empowerment!
So today, as I’ve still got two of y’all learning how to spread your wings (psst, you never really stop learning), I need you to know how fantastic you all are. I’m constantly in awe by you, and I look up to you, my darling little inspirations.
You’re my inspirations, to be more than I could’ve ever imagined. And your parents? Well, we’re imperfect and always will be, but we’ve got each other. All of us. As long as we never let that go, we’re “gucci”!
Funny how things end up, isn’t it? I’ve taken multiple medications through the years, and none ever did squat for allowing me to focus. Different doctors, too. But not one of these things has given me clarity, like what I’ve gotten watching you. (God MAY have had a hand, also) Nothing compares to that.
I love you,
Have a Go at It
Do you understand what I go through as a mother? What’s been your experiences? Tell me about it below! And don’t forget to subscribe. Thank you for coming along on my journey! Xoxoxo